It's Not Offensive If It's True.

I've learned a lot this past week blog bitches. Mainly that I have a lot to say. But I don't know the rules because I really don't read a lot of other blogs, mostly because they don't talk at ALL about me or about Brian Williams from NBC Nightly News, my on-screen news anchor boyfriend. So...

The feedback i've gotten from my first couple posts have varied from:
"You're Fired!" to "My mom hates your guts....."

When I called my sister to force her to become one of my followers she said:

"But aren't all bloggers self-obsessed ego slobs?"

"Yep! But don't be a dick, read my blog. What I have to say is really meaningful."

She agreed, but not before I promised to laugh really hard at the collection of Celine Dion photos she'd come across. She was excited, whispering and sort of crying- In Canada taking Celine's name in vain is a punishable offense.

"Okay deal."

Other feedback -

"Will your entries always be so nasty cause I don't know if I could read a lot of that over and over again."

UmYes. And you my friend are reading the wrong blog. And anyways Geoff you spell your name with a G which is really confusing.

You also might have a vagina.

My general concern is that I don't know the blogging rules. What am I allowed to say? What are the perks? Discounts on cases of wine? Do I post pictures along with my entries? I know there are other bloggers that do that with food for example:

"Here's a pic of the pube I found in my panini last week. Ga-roosss. But the triple cream Brie was to die for! Def going back!"

And babies:

"Emmy Apricot Von Triple Horn lounging in a rod-iron buggy crafted from the 1800's, just a typical tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That baby looks like an asshole to me.

I do appreciate the other suggested topics:

*My recent trip to Iowa. Don't get jealous, I take really important trips.
I have a laptop bag to prove it.

*My dog Nipples. I don't blog about dogs. Ever. Except she DOES have the same lady cycle as me, which is both gross and fascinating. We may circle back on this one.

*My English-as-a-second language/foreign exchange student/husband

and my favorite suggestion....

*Nazis.

Although tempting, I also like not going to prison and be dry-humped to death by my very sweaty, very large hand-ed cell mate.

So for the moment, I'm gonna leave that subject for another Sunday.

Plus, I cannot afford to go to prison. Not to say I wouldn't fit in. Cause I would. And not because I'm a valued member of my book club, I have a job and a very needy bonsai tree, but because I know I'd do really well in there.

I would EXCELL. Get out early on good behavior but stay. My new street friends would NEED me, and I them. Prison communities are a growing minority, and before we know it, us tax-evading but generally law abiding citizens will be out numbered. Make alliances now.

It will be kind of like the Hispanic migration of 1991. Out of no where they appeared in well organized Conga lines humming Gloria Estefan tunes and overnight took over entire neighborhoods. The next morning every Target carried 17 different Pinatas and the secretary at work who you've seen every morning for thirty years answers the phone "Hola Gringo!"

And no one was mad because they fed us so well.

If I'd known then what I know now, I would have invested a lot more than I did in nacho cheese.

Although I can't see how prison life would really fit into my wardrobe. I've tried the one-piece fashion jumpsuits; I looked more like a very loose, very well made scrotum than like Heidi Klum.

It's the same reason I can't smoke weed. What would I wear?? Earth tones don't look good on me.

I do promise to write about the exchange student I'm married to, he gives me endless material.

And he says Cunt a lot.

Which always wins.

So I'll keep going until you say stop. You remember Just the Tip. All you'll need to do is pull away before you're screwed, pregnant, and really mad at me.