Job Security

Thank you Katie Couric for finally confirming what we all already knew by stepping down from your shit gig at CBS.

The ratings you brought in for the Evening News were as terrible as Gwenyth Paltrow's debut album will be. Now you can devote your entire time to broadcasting live from the Royal Wedding ...WHICH I've heard absolutely nothing about lately. Nothing at all.

But Katie ...you're alright. I can't be super nasty about you cause you had cancer once right? That automatically excludes you from any future ridicule.

Note to self.

And dammit!! I love 'The Voice' - which along with Christina Aguilera's ladies breasts - debuted last night in all it's glory. This latest reality talent show, also not promoted ad nauseum by NBC, showcases famous people patronizing non famous people while promising Justin Bieber fame and fortune minus the curfew and Canadian citizenship.

And the absolute best part is somehow, someone decided that Carson Daley would be the best pick as the Ryan Seacrest stand-in. Literally ANYONE would have been a better choice. Marlee Matlin for example. Besides, I thought Carson died in a tragic rollerblading accident years ago. I'd like to know who he's fingering for this prime air time. And I don't care what anyone says - he still has that 'Used To Be Super Chubs and Now I'm Skinny' face. People don't forget Carson!

I'd like to go on the record saying that I prefer everyone a little plump. It's cuteness at it's best with a jelly filling. So, EAT UP blog family. I've got a sammich waiting for you!

Speaking of chocolate chubbers.... would you find it surprising to know that I am an Oprah Winfrey superfan? I have made a point in using her full title because, despite popular belief, she does indeed carry a first and last name. Jesus did too by the way. You can't just drop a last name because a bunch of people name a church after you. Or an orphanage.

But my love for Ms. Winfrey stems directly from the magic trick she does when she morphs from Black Oprah to WASP Oprah right before your very eyes."Oh giiiirrrllll..... weaves and collard greens!!!"

You know what I'm talking about. Cause when it happens you've probably giggled, choked, then turned your head sideways at the TV in disbelief - the very same way your dog looks at you when your snort-cry during Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

Would I be fired if I said: "Haaaaay Giiirrl. Oh No you di- int soul sista" to the one and only brown person in my office? Oprah does it! And anything she does is immediately nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. With her inspiring words of wisdom and free babies for the entire studio audience, she is changing women's lives everyday.

Equal opportunity right? Well I'd like my equal opportunity to be an urban neighborhood friend if I so choose.

Mmmmm- hmmm.

The truth is hard, and so are my bad choices

Don't expect this blog to be great, or even good.
I don't stick to most things I do
BUT, in an effort to spite a few friends and my husband ...here we are.

So for at least the next couple weeks, plan on wasting a lot of your time here, with me.
I have important stuff to say .. .. some of which will be about the things I like, but most of which will be mindless, delicious nonsense focusing primarily on the things I don't like: toppers, fame-whores, idiots and sluts.
There will be a lot of that.

Except that I love sluts.

And do us all a favor.. don't get upset while you're here.
There are lots of other blogs out there about cooking and baby jesus that might be more suitable for nice people. So when I tell you that I don't recycle, please don't hate type your well thought out response in angry caps.
Because I don't care.
And only assholes get offended.

Plus, If you're like every other green fanatic out there, you'll take it upon yourself to counteract my selfish life choice and triple your earth saving efforts. Greatly decreasing the chance that the world's largest plastic tampon glacier will melt all over us, and Japan.
Cause they've had enough lately.
This blog is not for the faint-hearted, or ... for pussy's.

But don't get mad at ME. Get mad at the earth for not being smart.
Like my self cleaning oven.


Are we already off to a bad start?
I thought so.