Don't Ask Don't Tell Next Time

My dog got her period today.

And so did I actually. The difference is I don't drip drop mine across the ceramic kitchen floor leaving it for every one else in the house to slip on.
Well most of the time I don't.

I called my dad: "Can Nipples come stay with you for 4-6 weeks?"
"Hm. I take it she's in her menstrual cycle."
"Yes and dad don't say menstrual. It gives me heartburn."

Every summer's the same. She gets her period, I in turn get pissed and try and give her away. Why haven't I just gotten her stitched up? Cause if I have to suffer through it then that little bitch does too. But with every season I worry I'll have little asshole puppies to take care of too cause she's promiscuous and is just itching to be date raped.

I see the way that saucy minx struts around the neighborhood giving her come to bed eyes, willing to throw away her pure bred status for any dog trash on the block. But frankly, their owners are worse. I don't care for any of my neighbors at all- they park their very clean cars right in front of my house, mow their lawns every other damn day and tend to their beautiful window boxes. That shit makes me look bad. I see the way they look at me as I sit on the porch in my pajamas, picking my nose, reading The Enquirer, giving them the finger. 

But Nipples doesn't share the same opinion as I do. And in fact comes VERY close to getting knocked up every single time I take her for a walk; I'm constantly breaking up humpsex which is both gross and offensive.  And is hugely inconvenient since I usually get some residual hump rubbed off on me. If she gets pregnant I'm sending her away to one of those awful places far far away in Iowa where no one knows you and single mothers can give birth shame free in a dark, windowless room. The really good Catholics have been doing it for centuries; I'll call in a favor and hopefully score one of their preferred customer coupons.

I took one last attempt in convincing my dad to take her by pointing out that all he and my brother do all day is sit in the house and Facebook each other from across the dining room.  Surely, for the remaining time she's on the rag, they could just supervise from the kitchen windown.

"You know, your brother and his friends are so penis obsessed lately, I just don't think he'd have time."
"God WHAT. Nooooo thank you ...for that."

I heard my dad on the other end of the phone sifting through papers and doing some light cleaning - going about his business like he'd just cooly repeated the weather forecast. I decided it was best that he and I took a little break from talking that day. Nips and I would be just fine and actually, the thought of her and I mutually menstruating was refreshing in comparison to this little gem I'd walked into. 

"But can I just clarify quickly - did you mean they are obsessed with
their own pe....Nope. I'm just gonna leave it there. Bye."