It's Not Offensive If It's True.

I've learned a lot this past week blog bitches. Mainly that I have a lot to say. But I don't know the rules because I really don't read a lot of other blogs, mostly because they don't talk at ALL about me or about Brian Williams from NBC Nightly News, my on-screen news anchor boyfriend. So...

The feedback i've gotten from my first couple posts have varied from:
"You're Fired!" to "My mom hates your guts....."

When I called my sister to force her to become one of my followers she said:

"But aren't all bloggers self-obsessed ego slobs?"

"Yep! But don't be a dick, read my blog. What I have to say is really meaningful."

She agreed, but not before I promised to laugh really hard at the collection of Celine Dion photos she'd come across. She was excited, whispering and sort of crying- In Canada taking Celine's name in vain is a punishable offense.

"Okay deal."

Other feedback -

"Will your entries always be so nasty cause I don't know if I could read a lot of that over and over again."

UmYes. And you my friend are reading the wrong blog. And anyways Geoff you spell your name with a G which is really confusing.

You also might have a vagina.

My general concern is that I don't know the blogging rules. What am I allowed to say? What are the perks? Discounts on cases of wine? Do I post pictures along with my entries? I know there are other bloggers that do that with food for example:

"Here's a pic of the pube I found in my panini last week. Ga-roosss. But the triple cream Brie was to die for! Def going back!"

And babies:

"Emmy Apricot Von Triple Horn lounging in a rod-iron buggy crafted from the 1800's, just a typical tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That baby looks like an asshole to me.

I do appreciate the other suggested topics:

*My recent trip to Iowa. Don't get jealous, I take really important trips.
I have a laptop bag to prove it.

*My dog Nipples. I don't blog about dogs. Ever. Except she DOES have the same lady cycle as me, which is both gross and fascinating. We may circle back on this one.

*My English-as-a-second language/foreign exchange student/husband

and my favorite suggestion....

*Nazis.

Although tempting, I also like not going to prison and be dry-humped to death by my very sweaty, very large hand-ed cell mate.

So for the moment, I'm gonna leave that subject for another Sunday.

Plus, I cannot afford to go to prison. Not to say I wouldn't fit in. Cause I would. And not because I'm a valued member of my book club, I have a job and a very needy bonsai tree, but because I know I'd do really well in there.

I would EXCELL. Get out early on good behavior but stay. My new street friends would NEED me, and I them. Prison communities are a growing minority, and before we know it, us tax-evading but generally law abiding citizens will be out numbered. Make alliances now.

It will be kind of like the Hispanic migration of 1991. Out of no where they appeared in well organized Conga lines humming Gloria Estefan tunes and overnight took over entire neighborhoods. The next morning every Target carried 17 different Pinatas and the secretary at work who you've seen every morning for thirty years answers the phone "Hola Gringo!"

And no one was mad because they fed us so well.

If I'd known then what I know now, I would have invested a lot more than I did in nacho cheese.

Although I can't see how prison life would really fit into my wardrobe. I've tried the one-piece fashion jumpsuits; I looked more like a very loose, very well made scrotum than like Heidi Klum.

It's the same reason I can't smoke weed. What would I wear?? Earth tones don't look good on me.

I do promise to write about the exchange student I'm married to, he gives me endless material.

And he says Cunt a lot.

Which always wins.

So I'll keep going until you say stop. You remember Just the Tip. All you'll need to do is pull away before you're screwed, pregnant, and really mad at me.

Job Security

Thank you Katie Couric for finally confirming what we all already knew by stepping down from your shit gig at CBS.

The ratings you brought in for the Evening News were as terrible as Gwenyth Paltrow's debut album will be. Now you can devote your entire time to broadcasting live from the Royal Wedding ...WHICH I've heard absolutely nothing about lately. Nothing at all.

But Katie ...you're alright. I can't be super nasty about you cause you had cancer once right? That automatically excludes you from any future ridicule.

Note to self.

And dammit!! I love 'The Voice' - which along with Christina Aguilera's ladies breasts - debuted last night in all it's glory. This latest reality talent show, also not promoted ad nauseum by NBC, showcases famous people patronizing non famous people while promising Justin Bieber fame and fortune minus the curfew and Canadian citizenship.

And the absolute best part is somehow, someone decided that Carson Daley would be the best pick as the Ryan Seacrest stand-in. Literally ANYONE would have been a better choice. Marlee Matlin for example. Besides, I thought Carson died in a tragic rollerblading accident years ago. I'd like to know who he's fingering for this prime air time. And I don't care what anyone says - he still has that 'Used To Be Super Chubs and Now I'm Skinny' face. People don't forget Carson!

I'd like to go on the record saying that I prefer everyone a little plump. It's cuteness at it's best with a jelly filling. So, EAT UP blog family. I've got a sammich waiting for you!

Speaking of chocolate chubbers.... would you find it surprising to know that I am an Oprah Winfrey superfan? I have made a point in using her full title because, despite popular belief, she does indeed carry a first and last name. Jesus did too by the way. You can't just drop a last name because a bunch of people name a church after you. Or an orphanage.

But my love for Ms. Winfrey stems directly from the magic trick she does when she morphs from Black Oprah to WASP Oprah right before your very eyes."Oh giiiirrrllll..... weaves and collard greens!!!"

You know what I'm talking about. Cause when it happens you've probably giggled, choked, then turned your head sideways at the TV in disbelief - the very same way your dog looks at you when your snort-cry during Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

Would I be fired if I said: "Haaaaay Giiirrl. Oh No you di- int soul sista" to the one and only brown person in my office? Oprah does it! And anything she does is immediately nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. With her inspiring words of wisdom and free babies for the entire studio audience, she is changing women's lives everyday.

Equal opportunity right? Well I'd like my equal opportunity to be an urban neighborhood friend if I so choose.

Mmmmm- hmmm.

The truth is hard, and so are my bad choices

Don't expect this blog to be great, or even good.
I don't stick to most things I do
BUT, in an effort to spite a few friends and my husband ...here we are.

So for at least the next couple weeks, plan on wasting a lot of your time here, with me.
I have important stuff to say .. .. some of which will be about the things I like, but most of which will be mindless, delicious nonsense focusing primarily on the things I don't like: toppers, fame-whores, idiots and sluts.
There will be a lot of that.

Except that I love sluts.

And do us all a favor.. don't get upset while you're here.
There are lots of other blogs out there about cooking and baby jesus that might be more suitable for nice people. So when I tell you that I don't recycle, please don't hate type your well thought out response in angry caps.
Because I don't care.
And only assholes get offended.

Plus, If you're like every other green fanatic out there, you'll take it upon yourself to counteract my selfish life choice and triple your earth saving efforts. Greatly decreasing the chance that the world's largest plastic tampon glacier will melt all over us, and Japan.
Cause they've had enough lately.
This blog is not for the faint-hearted, or ... for pussy's.

But don't get mad at ME. Get mad at the earth for not being smart.
Like my self cleaning oven.


Are we already off to a bad start?
I thought so.